Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
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Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet