Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
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“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
Me as a therapist: omg same
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
Forever 21… pounds overweight
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
This is a whole mood;
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.