Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
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What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
The Punning Dead.
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!