barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
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It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.