I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
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Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.