As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
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Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.