Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
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them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”