[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
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Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
How to make infinite energy.
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
Xylophonist Shredding It
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile