the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
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My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
relationship goals
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
as is their right
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?