My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
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I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you