You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
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[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.