If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
You Might Also Like
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
me adding lol on a serious message
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes