[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
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Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
Green is just blue that someone peed in
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.