they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
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My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.