I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
You Might Also Like
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”