Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
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Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
a kindergarten class was at the library on a field trip along with the normal morning baby/toddler crowd and i looked over to see some kids petting one of the babies on the head like a dog. the teacher was like “that’s not your baby!!! leave that baby alone!!!”
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
My mom didn’t want me to get hurt playing football, so she made me take theater, and the first thing they told me was to break a leg.
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them