Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
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Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”