The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
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*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.