7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
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[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
Saturday
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of