guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
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Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
😩😩😩
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night