I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
You Might Also Like
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.