“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
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waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?