Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
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He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?