I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
You Might Also Like
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake