Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
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I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands