Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
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Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
crochet youtube is brutal
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour