Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
You Might Also Like
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
There are no pants in heaven.
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
me and my fake scenarios
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.