I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
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Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
Why I divorced her.