Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
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Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”