When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
You Might Also Like
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
my mind
You just read my mind
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.