Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
You Might Also Like
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
Doggies just call it style.
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
Bro what is this
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.