honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
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*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Had an epiphany today.
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.