My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
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Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.