6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
You Might Also Like
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time