My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
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Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.