I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
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The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”