So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
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I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
going to the ER y’all need anything
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
Anime is real
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.