You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
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She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!