Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
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Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
#ParentingFacts
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
Best spot.. 😅
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar