I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
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She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
I’m not proud