Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
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Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of