(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
You Might Also Like
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock