“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
You Might Also Like
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?