Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
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[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
Oh thanks BBC.
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.