I see your IQ test came back negative
You Might Also Like
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down