A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
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Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?