Aw man, but that’s the best part
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“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
Happy thanksgiving
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*