My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
You Might Also Like
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
Good morning!
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter