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So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
I’m already scared
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.