The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
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[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be